I wonder why I let myself spiral in this state. The state of powerlessness and self-pity.
I have allowed negative thoughts and feelings pester my head and I filled it with so much unhelpful garbage. I have always helped myself, I love self-help and productivity but somehow I have allowed the self-loathing thoughts to fill me and occupy me.
It started as a thought. I am useless, why am I like this? What’s wrong with me? There’s something wrong with me? There’s something wrong with me. What started out as a thought, a question became a sentence. And what turned out to be a sentence, became my truth. And that self-conceived “truth” became my reality. I lived the misery. I entertained the sadness, I let the creeping feeling devour me and take me over. I have allowed myself to be conquered by my thoughts.
It is really true, that what the mind can conceive, the body can achieve, It is true not only on positive stuff like running a marathon but also in depressing thoughts. The self-loathing thoughts will manifest on the outside, in the way you talk and carry yourself to others. You just couldn’t help the helplessness. The negativity will take over, it will overflow, and it will show. No matter how hard you try.
Pessimism. I know I have been an optimist my whole life till recently. I have also doubted God in those times. I have sunk in a hole and I thought there is no survival and I thought I have reached a point of no return. I am convinced there’s no going back and I am doomed for misery and eternal condemnation if He is in fact true.
The point is, I have not shielded or protected myself from this negativity. I have underestimated the influence of the podcasts and videos I listen into. I was hesitant at first, on the tolerant mindset of western culture. But in the end, I was consumed and I believed what they preached as true.
Maybe it was the rebel in me. I always test the waters. I try to be bad at things. I test out people’s patience, I test the limits of how much I can push people. And it doesn’t always benefit me. In my experiments in life, I try to do bad things, not illegal stuff or immoral things to other people, but you know along the lines of being a mediocre employee, not study, or things that will push me out of the mould, the conventional, and tradition. It sucks that I tend to do that. And lately, it was pushing my belief system. I questioned my belief and the concept of truth in my life.
Well, I think at the end of the day, its a question of which belief system worked for me. I was better when I’ve had God than without Him. I never felt more alone than when I relinquished my faith. Believing in God is a rational choice but is beyond logic. It takes a leap of faith and it takes a certain humility towards being human. And I am human. Even if I’m a rebel, I am still human and I can’t escape my tendencies as one. I am bound by my earthly flesh and I would like to believe that I am beyond all of it, but I am not. I am but human. Built with flaws and weaknesses. I am not perfect just like everyone else. I am hackable, my perception is limited and I am just as fragile.
If I choose to be helpless and godless, I choose to serve myself. If I choose to believe in faith and in God, I have chosen hope. I have chosen to believe that there is more. There is more to life. That I am not of this world. That there is something beyond all this suffering. There is more. There is hope. There could be a reason why I suffer on this earth because I simply am not a citizen of this world. We look forward to a day when God will liberate me and end all of the human pain and suffering.
It was a philosophical journey. I was looking at the existence of God, not at a personal level but on a philosophical perspective. I will not stop learning. I will still devout myself to learn more but this time, be more careful on the things I feed myself. After all, there is no joy in knowing that my life is meaningless. If I was only a carrier of genetic code to pass unto the next generation. If I continue to believe that, I will just turn into dust without hope.
So I choose hope. I choose faith in better things. I choose to believe in the promise of salvation. I choose to believe by faith in Christ that He is gracious to accept me despite my flaws and imperfections. I choose grace, that despite me being a sinner, I am still welcome in the kingdom of God and claim His promise of eternity. A place where my human mind could not conceive and imagine. I am human, I have consciousness.
The human consciousness can not be explained. It is a topic that even the great scientist and atheist Richard Dawkins cannot answer. Alister McGrath said, Christianity is more complex, it goes beyond rationality. It is more sophisticated. Indeed, it is more difficult to explain, it is difficult to encompass. Even the great scientist and polymath Blaise Pascal has resolved that it is irrational to wage against the existence of God. Rene Descartes believed in God, even Isaac Newton. They are rationalists, logicians, mathematicians, the fathers of the scientific revolution. They have questioned the existence of God too, and they have resolved to believe that He exists. What makes me think that I am more of a rational thinker than them? It is hypocritical of me to do so.
So again, I have anticipated all the arguments against God. I think I have covered all the contentions possible, but at the end of the day, for me, it went down to the belief system that will bring me hope. A reason to wake up. A motivation to continue, press on, and hustle. Not for money, not for anyone, not for me, but for a greater cause beyond the limits of my mind or of this world.